Friday, April 11, 2008

#9 Tortilla Coast

The local hangout is a staple for any desperate group of people yearning for a sense of belonging in the world (Hill People). The lost souls of 90210 had the Peach Pit, those awkward kids from Bayside had the Max, and those six friends who kept having sex with each other and really had no idea what to do with their lives hung out at the Central Perk. Hill People are much like this.

For them, the place to go drown their sorrows and be with fellow useless and depressed people is Tortilla Coast.

"T-Coast", as Hill People so cleverly call it, is located on the corner of First and D Street, SE. It has large windows looking out toward the street so Hill People can sit and judge those walking by, while they attempt to ignore the fact that they're drinking crappy beer at a fake Mexican restaurant.

Tortilla Coast, much like Hill People, is not particularly exciting. The ambience is lacking, the food is sub-par, and the drinks are over-priced. It's the restaurant manifestation of a Hill Person. And Hill People love themselves, so it only makes sense for them to love Tortilla Coast.

Tortilla Coast has two main areas: the bar and the dining room. Most Hill People are too poor to spend their money on an actual meal (Their Parents' Money can only go so far), so they choose to gorge on the free chips and salsa while drinking the famous two-flavored margarita. The few Hill People who decide to spring for the table in the dining room usually order a chicken quesadilla to share with 12 people, while they order beer after beer and endless refills of chips and salsa. The servers who work long hours in cheap blue polo shirts are forced to wait on the typical Hill People who spend little, tip less, and have annoying conversations about how important they are.

It's a scientific fact that Hill People like being around other Hill People. This way, when they complain about "constits" or slutty interns, they'll be met with sympathy and understanding, instead of the soul-crushing mockery they so deserve. In addition, Hill People have been known to use Tortilla Coast as a backdrop for their unfortunate and awkward mating rituals. When young, depressed Hill People are well on their way to yet another episode of, "what the hell happened last night", they tend to convince themselves that the staff assistant they met earlier in the evening, who at 6 PM looked like Fergie mid-crystal meth binge, is actually somewhat attractive. This leads to yet another awkward hook-up, which ultimately forces the participants to ignore each other when passing in the halls of Rayburn.

As long as there is a steady supply of Hill People around to enjoy its tacky d├ęcor and wallow in unconscious self-pity, Tortilla Coast will remain a prosperous establishment and a reliable atmosphere to observe douchebags in their natural habitat.

TGIF mofos!

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

We here at the RNC also frequent the coast more than any normal person should. You'll see us all the time, were not dressed as well as the impeccably dressed Hill folks, but we don't care. Also, don't drink the margs, they are over priced, instead be like us and buy Miller Lite in bulk like T-Coast is CostCo.

Great blog, team.

Doodlebug1012 said...

Yet more evidence that this blog is written exclusively by House Hill staffers. I went to T-Coast, as you call it, three times in six years of living and working on the Hill.

stumpy said...

maybe its because you were too busy knitting.

Bandito said...

The food really does suck, but hey it's close.

Anonymous said...

Funny, I was hungover all day in my cubicle because of an awesome Thursday night at T-Coast.

Anonymous said...

Doodlebug now works at T-Coast

Anonymous said...

Good post. A couple points.

The food isn't very good, but the chips are. To be fair about the 'endless refills' and people not ordering the food, that's worth mentioning.

Also, there really isn't much good food in the area.

Anonymous said...

"T-Coast" is for House douches only. Otherwise, accurate post.

Anonymous said...

Way too many House references. While being a low-level staffer on the Senate side is similar, the blog is stuff "Hill" people like, not "House" people like. "Hill" people don't like T-Coast, "House people" find it convenient. Great blog, entertaining for sure, but the last few posts have been more "House people" instead of "hill people."

your mom said...

A former "Hill People" myself, I heart T-Coast and visit it anytime I visit the District.

Anonymous said...

Okay, first you should get your facts straight there Mr. I Hate Great Chips and Salsa ...the remarkable staff at "tcoast" usually wear red, not blue shirts. Your attention to detail in your blogs is dismal at best.

Anonymous said...

Tcoast.....best hill bar ever in the history of ever. Too bad it closes as early as it does.

Anonymous said...

if you think T-coast is the "best hill bar ever", then you need to go to more bars. The best bar on the Hill is the one not attended by Hill People.

Anonymous said...

Who calls it the 'T-Coast'? Everyone I know calls it Republican Mexican.

Anonymous said...

if you are really in the know, you call it TC...totes down with the abbrevs

Daniel Edwards said...

Don't forget about the Cap Lounge and Hawk 'n' Dove!

Also, Irish Times...

Anonymous said...

But it did have shiner bock when I was there a few years ago. =)

Anonymous said...

Aahh, Tortilla Coast. Last summer I watched a square tile in the ceiling break open and water come pouring out on this poor woman's head. Don't worry she got a free t-shirt out of it. Oh, and the chips and salsa are great...love that place.

Anonymous said...

TC and all the other "mexican" restaraunts in the district know nothing of mexican or tex-mex. Being a bred Texan, TC is definitely the best and closest to tex-mex. Chips and salsa are great!

Anonymous said...

doodlebug, like all senate staffers, is lazy, inept, works 6 hour days 4 days a week, spends most of his time sleeping a random cubicle in hart, and yet somehow finds the time to bitch about the lack of bars on the senate side