Tuesday, April 8, 2008

#6 Their Parents' Money

Any respectable Hill Person is expected to maintain a certain standard of living in order to be accepted amongst his fellow elite Capitol Hill staff assistants. This requires the following material essentials:

1. Decent housing: Eastern Market, Georgetown, Dupont, U Street, and Adams Morgan are acceptable. Foggy Botttom? Too collegiate/geriatric. Arlington? Um only for divorcees with 8 cats. Columbia Heights? GHETTO (except for Target trips. Other than that, check back in 2 years).

2. Clothing: Banana Republic or J Crew is your threshold. Don't dip below. Gap is okay on Friday. Don't get confused by the Target reference above. Target is only okay for scented candles and kitchen appliances. Clothes, though? Bitch I'm not from the Indiana 8th.

3. Happy Hour/Drinking: A near-daily ritual. Happy hour deals may siphon off some of the expenses made here, but any Hill Person worth their Capitol ID badge has to put in a good couple blackout nights a week, in order to forget the six tours the prior week and the overall douchebaggery of their chosen profession.

4. Other: This includes food and general toiletries.

5. Brunch

The problem with this list is that the high cost of living in Washington, DC, juxtaposed with the possible illegality of of their menial annual salary, could create a negative net worth at year's end (especially after that post tax refund and stimulus check bender trip to Aruba aka Adult Spring Break 2008!). So how do Hill People avoid a life living in the red and fend off the hounds of the credit card companies? Easy. Mommy and Daddy's love, er, monthly allowance.

You see, Hill People, after studying a social science at an expensive elite four-year university, find it easy to convince their parents to help them out. After all, a grand or two a month is only half of what their parents were paying for them to attend a private school for the prior four years, and a Hill Person's parents are often so happy that their little tool of a son or daughter landed a job right out of college, with benefits (holla Blue Cross Blue Shield) and a monthly allowance of its own.

In addition, parents of a Hill Person get all kinds of perks: exclusive behind-the-scenes (read: open to any member of the public) tours of the Capitol Congress, official looking business cards to validate their son or daughter's existence, and the ability to gloss over the lack of importance of their offsprings' employment to unknowing family and friends in Topeka, KS.

Indeed, with a monthly subsidy from Mom and Dad, a Hill Person can increase his or her annual income by about 50 to 100 percent, bringing their yearly earnings to somewhere in the mid-40 thousands (or what others in the Beltway consider "lower-middle class." Ultimately, this can lead to an even higher standard of living, including Whole Foods, studio Yoga, and maybe even Bud Light in the fridge.


Anonymous said...

i love this blog.

Anonymous said...

Uh, haven't received a dime from my folks!

Anonymous said...

Nor have I, but I'm obscenely jealous of those that have parents wealthy enough to do so. Which is pretty much everyone else on the Hill

Anonymous said...

ummmm, you forgot the holy grail of d.c. neighborhoods - woodley park and cleveland park. you also have to constantly brag about how awesome your neighborhood is and how you're so over living on the hill...unless you can say you live across a senator.

you also have to hate va. like only wt live in arlington and make sure you tell them, ugh, it's so strip mall.

Doodlebug1012 said...

I worked on the Hill for four years ('99-'05) and I don't know a single soul whose parents were giving them money, or whose parents were especially wealthy. Some people actually get hired because of their intelligence, experience and personalities.

screw you guys said...

this is why i cant stand this blog. so what if peoples' parents' give them money??? that doesnt make them bad people, in fact it usually means that they can learn more and that they dont grow up ignorant and bitter like poorer people and minorities do.

if my parents were sucessful and made a ton of money because they worked hard and were smart then they should be able to support theyre sons however much they want to. i am so sick of bitter people whose parents didnt work as hard or were lazy or arent as smart taking out anger on people like me.

and what happens when i try to be charitable, and give back to the country that has aforded me these opportunities? i get dumped on by people like the idiot writers of this blog, who think that public service is something to be rediculed. what is your problem??? do you really think that you should be mocking the people who work long hours, who put theyre lives on the line every day (yes its dangerous to work in the capital, i dont know if you know this but we are at war with terrorism and the number one target of terrorists is the capital).

the authors of this blog are very obviously bitter, poor people who hate the hill because they got rejected for jobs there. well GET OVER IT!!!! everyone can tell how pathetic you people are, and to make fun of people because theyre well-off or more successful then you are is nothing short of pathetic. get a life you morons.

Anonymous said...

Wow, where do I begin with that last comment.

First of all, chill out. This is a humorous blog. For all we know, the writer(s) of this blog is probably a Hill staffer. It wouldn't surprise me given that the blog is spot on. I have been working on the Hill for four years and it sounds just about right!

And to refute your claim that wealth = education, let me correct your numerous spelling and grammar mistakes. I have placed the corrections in parentheses.

1. Learn when to use capitalized versus lower case letters. Also correct punctuation would be nice (use of commas and apostrophes for example).

2. "if my parents were sucessful (successful) and made a ton of money because they worked hard and were smart(,) then they should be able to support theyre (their) sons however much they want to."

3. "and what happens when i try to be charitable, and give back to the country that has aforded (afforded) me these opportunities?"

4. i get dumped on by people like the idiot writers of this blog, who think that public service is something to be rediculed (ridiculed).

You get called out these mistakes because you brought it on yourself. I would say though, that what is a greater indication of your ignorance is the fact that you attribute wealth with education and seem to mock the poor and minorities as uneducated and bitter. That, rather than the wealth of your parents, really does prove how ignorant and bigoted you are.

Now if this blog hits a little too close for home, it's best not to come (and certainly not to comment on it) again.

Anonymous said...

wow... is that person for real? yeah, your bs capitol hill work is just like the marines in iraq. thanks for working on the front lines, asshole...

A staffer without financial backing said...

Commenter Screw You Guys: you're an asshat.

Anonymous said...

Woah now. First of all, a lot of people in this country work incredibly hard and don't make a ton of money. Second of all, it sounds like you're just bitter that you can't manage to be a real grown up. I mean, I'm sure if I really needed it, my parents would help me out monetarily, but I have too much pride in my work and respect for my parents to ask them to subsidize my social life. Some of us manage to live off of our measly Hill salaries just fine (and still manage to have fun, live in a great neighborhood, and shop at j. crew and banana (well, during sales and at the outlets, but whatevs). Grow up.

Anonymous said...

I found another thing I love about Arlington - Hill Staffers disdain it.

Enjoy the crime ridden, dirty, traffic stalled, District of Crazy.

Anonymous said...

hey Doodlebug, last time I checked 99-05 was more than 4 y ears, I guess y ou weren't hired for your math skills. HillHacks suck at life!