Wednesday, April 9, 2008

#7 Blackberries

For the Hill Person, the Holy Grail of metrics to career success is the mighty Blackberry. Not issued to entry-level staff assistant, these life-consuming gadgets are worn on the hip as a badge of honor of the seasoned Hill Person. If the demands of one's job dictate that they need be available outside of normal working hours, a Blackberry is bestowed upon that chosen one, and they are deemed irreplaceable and indispensable (at least among the population willing to work for under $50 thousand a year).

Unfortunately, this telling sign of a Hill Pro doesn't hold the validity that it once did, as younger, less experienced Hill People are now funding their own Blackberry use (with Their Parents' Money). Granted, they may only be able to access their Gmail on these personal Blackberries, as typical offices will not allow internal email to be forwarded to other devices. Still, nothing says importance like a stranger in a blazer, leaning against the bar, drink to the side because he is using both hands to type. Ask him for his business card!

And if you need an example of just how fluid the joys of a Hill Person are, Gchat is available on Blackberries. Trapped on the tunnel train with Chris Dodd? Now you can update your status message immediately ("OMG he coulda been president!") Slow pace of a tour group of senior citizens slowing you down? Take a break and let all your g-friends that you feel "Ugh."

Chatting with friends and checking your personal email never looked so professional. And unlike the damned iPhone, nobody will question your relevance and importance in Saving America with an Blackberry -- because a Blackberry is business up front, and a fun party in the back. Like a mullet.

20 comments:

famousDC said...

I LOVE brick breaker!

clundquist46 said...

How about all of the people on the elevator "browsing their emails" to look important. Hill staffers love to bust out the Blackberry when on the elevator with tour groups or when someone they want to exchange business cards with is joining them. They probably don't have any emails to look through but when they pull that out, they have the world at their finger tips and the respect of everyone on that elevator.

Anonymous said...

Bad news when you leave the Hill. Not all BlackBerries have GChat capability. At least that's what I learned when I left the House a few months ago.

Anonymous said...

You people are fucking pathetic. May your shit come to life and kiss you on the face.

Anonymous said...

To clarify, by "you people" I suppose I mean "Hill people"

Anonymous said...

clearly anonymous above is jealous of our hill staffer status.

Anonymous said...

That photo is obviously one of the latter mentioned Crackberries, for everyone knows the government uses Verizon.

Anonymous said...

I do have to say that I am jealous of hill staffers.

Anonymous said...

It is slightly ironic that, among Hill People, a cheapo RIM 8703e is more prised than a 32GB iPhone. It's a lot harder to get out of talking to boring reception hosts by pulling out your obviously-non-government-issue smart phone and saying "my boss needs me, gotta go." -KG

former hill staffer said...

If you're writing this 'on the clock' I don't think you'll have to worry about your sad salary and low status on the hill much longer.

stuffhillpeoplelike said...

Someone's salty...

Anonymous said...

If by salty you mean disgusted by this website's display of your apparent superficiality, then yes, salty as a load.

Anonymous said...

To clarify, by "your apparent superficiality" I suppose I mean "Hill people's apparent superficiality."

JonD said...

I love this blog and I just spent the last 30 minutes laughing my ass off. However, I also love my iPhone and I wouldn't trade it for anything!

Anonymous said...

upon further investigation I appreciate the humorous picture given by the blog, but by god the picture you paint is scary

Anonymous said...

Ok, I love you guys and your little blog but Hill staffers act like their shit don't stank. My loser friend is an entry level gopher at a law firm and he gets a blackberry. He makes twice what you make and has a social sciences degree from a public (gasp) university. His boss was able to get him into a somewhat prestigious law school despite his poor LSAT scores and even shittier grades.
You're wasting your time on the hill.

If you want to make a difference, go to grad school and stop convincing yourself answering phone calls everyday from the same 5 constituent is somehow making this a better world.

Anonymous said...

This is some hilarious stuff. But I hope you are covering your tracks so you don't get busted. I would hate to lose this site!

Anonymous said...

I'm looking to purchase a blackberry. What model is the best?

Anonymous said...

Another one would be big timing with your blackberry. You see someone you know but don't want to talk to? Pretend you dont see them and whip out the bb. Or say hi but be very engrossed in what you are doing on your bb so you can't chitchat.

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