Friday, April 4, 2008

#4 Gchat

Given the utter lack of meaningful work to be done in most junior-level staffer jobs, Hill People have come to be more commonly known as "gchat whores." Gchat has become one of the main instruments for Hill people to spread propaganda about how fierce and important they are.

As gchat has phased out AIM for most of the population over 21, Hill People have taken to thinking they are smoother and more professional because of the camouflage provided by the popped-in chat box. If Hill people decide they want to relive their younger, more carefree years, they can even opt for the pop-out gchat box! Gchat gives Hill People a way to convince themselves that they are way classier than the trashy college students and teens who use AIM.

Because the high level of education most Hill People possess contradicts the mind-blowingly lame work they do every day, they will consistently put off their tasks in order to gchat various friends from college. They will justify their procrastination by occasionally gchatting coworkers about Obama's speech on how being black is awesome.

The politics of one's gchat status sometimes overrides the politics in the SCHIP bill. ("OMG how could Bush veto a bill about kids!?") Hill People are also very attentive to mentioning who they are supporting for president at least twice a day. ("Hillary's my girl y'all!")

One of the main goals of the day for a Hill Person is to say something so witty, yet still politically intuitive, to one of their "cooler" (ie high salaried) coworkers that it makes it to the receiving party's gchat status. Achieving this feat several times a week will solidify their position in the office as being hip and clever and totally justifying why they work on the Hill for some bullshit issue like women's rights. Another use of the Hill Person's gchat status is to post links to various bills they're working on to show their non-Hill friends how relevant their job is to saving America.

Also, the passive aggressive gchat status ("Some people just suck") will help to convey how dismayed a Hill Person is that their random Smith Point hookup from last night didn't call them back. Also, around 4 PM EST, look for most Hill People's statuses to switch to something that illustrates the exhaustion that comes from a tough day of taking constituent calls and giving under-medicated middle school children tours ("Ugh").

The unfortunate downside to being a Hill Person on gchat is that they often get blocked by their non-Hill friends for a variety of reasons, but usually for being a huge political douchebag. If this occurs to the poor soul, they will take out their boredom through any number of creative ways. They may yell at an intern, take a walk around campus to remember how important their job is, or leave the Hill early out of sheer boredom. They will most likely take out their feelings through drinking free alcohol at a reception or going to Tortilla Coast for 50 cent tacos.


Amy said...

That's funny, I know Anne Kristol.

Anonymous said...

YES! 50 cent tacos! Best special ever. Long live the Coast. Um, I'll take 18 please, and you can get your own.

Anonymous said...

your not very good at being funny

Anonymous said...

I disagree with the last post. I've worked as a Hill Intern and a Congressional Aide, and just about everything posted has been both disturbingly accurate and hilarious. Thanks for this blog!

Matt said...

"your not very good at being funny"

It was funny ... and *you're* not very good at using proper grammar.