Wednesday, April 16, 2008

#12 Fro-yo

There comes a time in every Hill Person's day when work just starts to get to them. Somewhere between the incessant constituent phone calls, the unbearable meetings with borderline retarded representatives of interest groups that probably shouldn't have a voice in the federal governmet, and the constant background noise of interns talking about Baby Suri, the Hill Person starts to forget why they ever took this job in the first place. They start to despair that perhaps it is all in vain, that maybe the naysayers were right when they said an entry-level job on the Hill was about as glamorous as working at a Chinese massage parlor, and paid less too.

Then, they remember the best part of the day (besides their morning glimpse of the Senator on his way to the bathroom). The reason they are able to drag themselves out of bed in the morning, brave the red line crammed with hundreds of unpatriotic drones heading to their meaningless office jobs, and sit at a desk all day pretending to care about the concerns of constituents.

Fro-yo.

Not only is it delicious and questionably low-fat, but due to the tax-exempt status of items purchased on the Hill, it's cheap enough for the average Hill Person to afford on a daily basis, assuming they didn't splurge on an off-campus meal that afternoon. If you walk into either the Dirksen basement or the Rayburn cafeteria circa 2:30 PM on the average workday, you will see Hill People walking in pairs or groups, casually eating their Fro-Yo and subtly but forcefully trying to prove that they are more up to date on current events than their companion(s). Commons topics include the day's NYT editorials ("Maureen Dowd is, like, totally on Obama's balls"), upcoming votes ("Ugh, F this vote-a-rama! Homie is just going to veto it anyway!") and whether or not McCain is going to live until November 2008 ("Our death pool is up to, like, $300!!")

Another brilliantly useful aspect of the Fro-Yo break is that it allows young, socially awkward Hill People to go on pseudo-dates. Even less legitimate than the lunch date, the (heteronormative) Fro-Yo date usually transpires as follows.

9 AM - 2:30 PM: Male Hill Person nervously works up courage to ask attractive-for-DC female Hill Person to get Fro-Yo.

2:30 PM - 2:35 PM: Hill People walk down to cafeteria together, bitching about their day so far

2:35 PM - 2:40 PM: Hill People discuss flavors. Ugh, it's always double dutch chocolate and vanilla. Remember that awesome day they had peanut butter??? I almost had $2 worth!

2:40 PM - 2:45 PM: Male Hill Person graciously pays for female Hill Person's Fro-Yo (Nice work champ, you spent a whole $1.50 on a girl! You're definitely going to get some now!!) Hill People walk back to office discussing the day's news. Male Hill Person wonders where this relationship is going. Female Hill Person thinks about how she's going to have to spend an extra 30 minutes at Gold's Gym tonight.

2:45 PM - 6 PM: Both Hill People think about how glorious their next Fro-Yo break will be.

Maybe tomorrow they'll have peanut butter. Here's hoping!

22 comments:

Rachael said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

this is so scarily accurate -- i love this blog!

Emily said...

They so had peanut butter yesterday in Dirksen...you should check that out

Anonymous said...

They post the froyo flavors on a daily basis on Webster...FYI

Anonymous said...

alpine strawberry is the best!

Anonymous said...

The author of this blog must work or have worked on the Hill, because it is seriously so damn accurate! It is definitely becoming a highlight of my day as well!

Anonymous said...

Love the blog...keep it up!!!

FYI, the death pool in my office is up to 500 and I picked september 08...

Anonymous said...

can anyone of you hill staffers say anything more interesting than "this blog is so accurate", or "god i love this blog", you are only proving how boring you really are!!!

Anonymous said...

How about, "go away"

paradigm shift said...

i am in love with whoever writes this blog. sadly, this blog does not deter me from wanting to be a hill person when i graduate.

Anonymous said...

I adamantly wanted to work on the Hill until reading this blog. Now I'm at a maybe.

Anonymous said...

I agree with paradigm shift! After reading this blog, I STILL really want to work on the hill!

Anonymous said...

Has anyone tried the New York Cheesecake fro-yo? Disgusting. Nevetheless, this post totally called me out on my afternoon plans for the day.

Anonymous said...

You're Welcome: http://www.senaterestaurants.gov/yogurt/index.cfm

Anonymous said...

McCain will win the presidency... plain and simple.

Anonymous said...

wow...chocolate and peanutbutter froyo twist at the rayburn deli on thursday. like heaven in a cup.

Anonymous said...

Yeah man, I had 2 dollars worth yesterday at Rayburn--good stuff.

Anonymous said...

fro-yo is in rayburn deli, not rayburn caf....and i think the weighing is TOTALLY random. sometimes 2 bucks gets me like a quarter cup :(.

Anonymous said...

is this a new hill thing? BC as of last May when I left, I definitely remember having to buy the expensive "real" ice cream in Rayburn as an only option. Cheap frozen yogurt would have been awesome!

not a staffer said...

Bank Error in Your Favor:

I got some fro-yo today at Rayurn. Half a cup, 6 cents. The cashier weighed it three times and each time was the same price. Her attitude was like, "when the scale keeps telling you 6 cents, what's the point of arguing even if you know it ain't right."

Anonymous said...

Hey "not a staffer":

Cha-ching.

Can anyone beat the record now? Half cup, six cents? Doubt it.

Anonymous said...

I f***ing hate when they have banana. What a waste of a trip down to the chef.