Monday, April 14, 2008

#10 Fundraisers

Hill People love any event where they receive attention, but their favorite type is the political fundraiser. These shindigs provide the perfect release from the intense emo angst Hill People feel during the day.

Besides the official function of fundraisers (earning money for a reelection campaign), Hill People find several other perks at attending these mind numbing gatherings. The obvious go-to is free food and alcohol, since Hill People barely make minimum wage. Lowly staff assistants feel entitled to every morsel of the feast because the Savior of America (their boss) paid for it, and their very subsistence relies on the nutrition from this food. Hill People are even courageous enough to risk food poisoning and will pack up picked-over salmon that has been sitting out for 2 hours. While very careful to avoid breaking several ethic laws that their BFF Nancy created, they are brave enough to risk taking toxic fish home.

If soda is at the event, that's even better. Diet Coke benders all week! They will also bring home a platter of cookies from a fundraiser to show their friends and roommates who don't care about America (they are paralegals at law firms) that there are some benefits of indentured servitude, besides that warm and fuzzy feeling they get when their boss votes to give money to poor people or authorize an invasion of Iraq.

Fundraisers also allow Hill People to reminisce about their member's random hometown district that no one really cares about. They like to casually mention to a lobbyist that the shitty beer being served is so awesome because it's brewed back home in Minnesota. At this point, the lobbyist's eyes glaze over with pure apathy. But don't worry. The Hill Person can spice up the conversation by recounting the time their boss (not them) met Barack and how super cool he seemed. So he will definitely be a great prez.

This conversation concludes with the Hill Person handing over their business card.

Another plus for a Hill person is feeling superior to the campaign employees, especially political consultants. Brown v. BOE may have helped end racial segregation, but there's no precedent for ending the division between campaign staff and true Hill People. Hill People have sacrificed a real salary to devote themselves to their beliefs, with the help of Mommy and Daddy. People who have decided to raise money or lobby have done the equivalent to selling their souls to Voldemort. This gives Hill People the right to talk down and occasionally give orders to the Deatheaters, er, campaigners. If they need another beer, don't worry they can just order the paid staff to get one for them. Campaigners just don't understand the sacrifices Hill People have made to follow their dreams.

Now, due to legal restrictions, Hill People can't enjoy the fine life of moneyed DC, unless they stand up to eat their meals (Washington is fixed!). Ultimately, the "lobbyist epiphany" will occur around the age of 35, when a Hill Person suddenly realizes they are not making a difference and they can double their salary by taking a job at a lobbying firm. So in the end, Hill People become the very embodiment of the political consultant they held in such condescending contempt back in the day, if they aren't killed by rotten sushi, first. It's the circle of life.


Anonymous said...

Wow, you're really stretching that Obama biz card hyperlink there... might want to limit yourself to every other post.

Anonymous said...

Can we have a "Stuff Paralegals like" meme?

-Fronting rent/meal comps for Hill People roommates
-Law School recommendations
-Studying for LSAT
-Free towncar rides home at 3am

Anonymous said...

Ha! This is why I fast-tracked to the lobbyist thing by interning for one of Them and not on the Hill, and now have to establish constant previous relationships with all my college friends who are now Poor Hill People.

notahillstaffer said...

Write a post about how hill people love to post vitriolic comments on a blog that is set up strictly for their own entertainment and pleasure. If they're not posting angry "how dare yous" then they're dropping comments about how they have a much better job than me.

Holy cow folks... lighten up.