#2 Interns

It's hard to imagine that there is anybody on the Hill who has a more menial job than a Hill Person. Well, in fact, there are thousands of them, and they are known as Hill interns. An intern's "official" function is to do the mail, answer the phones, and give tours to constituents. When interns aren't around, these are all things Staff Assistants are made to do, so Hill People love interns because interns are essentially everyone's bitch. Plus, when you're fresh out of an Ivy League college and working a job a dyslexic six-year-old could probably do, you really need to degrade and humiliate an intern every few hours to remember how super awesome you are.

You can tell the difference between an intern and a Hill Person by looking at their badge (which both prominently display outside of work hours in order to look more important.) An intern's badge is red, while a Hill Person's badge is green. The stop-light imagery is not coincidental. The bright red warning is ostensibly to protect male Hill People from creeping on young college women. In reality, much like a lower back tattoo of a butterfly, it serves as a bullseye for horny staffers who prey on unassuming and naive interns who are turned on by proximity to power. This desire to make out with an authority figure is especially helpful, because nobody loves pretending to be powerful more than a Hill Person.

Staff Assistants and LC's are especially in luck when interns are around. These are the two categories of Hill People who are literally working the most mind-numbing and unimportant jobs you can imagine. For these Hill People, the only hope of scoring some ass is by finding somebody they can impress with stories about the time they literally ran into Nancy on the Capitol subway! Or the time they stumbled into the Senators Only Elevator and Hillary complimented their tie! Stories like this serve the dual purpose of both being hilarious and showing that the Hill Person is on a first name basis with celebrity. Fortunately, interns are usually pretty dumb, so this shit works.

Notably, intern hook-ups are not limited to junior staffers. Senior staff and even some Congressman have been known to live for intern season. Also, it goes without saying that this applies only to female interns. Male interns are pretty much ignored by staff and female interns alike. Unless they intern for Senator Craig.